Shocked To Learn That God Does Not Have A Penis

How Could They Have Lied To Me All These Years?

By David Grace —

My friend Lyla and I were talking about religion or atheism or something like that (I’m a guy so, of course, I wasn’t listening all that well) when, out of the blue, she said, “You know, David, God doesn’t have a penis.”

That stopped me cold. What?

“You’re not saying He has a vagina, are you?” I asked. Lyla assured me that she wasn’t.

Whoa, I had to think about this.

God — big white guy, long hair, golden rays streaming from his fingers? I had always assumed that under that robe he had the Standard Equipment. Was that not true? If we pulled up his skirt would we find that he was as smooth as a Ken doll?

“Our Father who art in heaven. . . .”; “Our heavenly Father”; “The man upstairs”; “The Big Guy.”

Had everyone been lying to me about God being a Guy my whole life?
How could God not have a penis? What about all those prophets who said that it’s God’s will that women must be subservient to men, that women cannot own property or drive cars or travel anywhere alone or even show their faces to any male other than their husband or a close relative?

I could understand God making rules like that if he were male — “Hey, I’m God and I’m looking out for my guys, so you women keep your mouths shut and do what the man tells you. Up high, Bros!”

Yeah, OK, I could get that.

But if God doesn’t have a penis then none of that “God says that women are subservient to men” stuff makes any sense. If God is neither male nor female then He, err, It wouldn’t take sides favoring one gender over the other.

If a neither male nor female God said that women had to hide their faces in public then It would also decree that men would have to hide theirs as well. If It said that parents could force their daughter to marry some old, rich guy then they could also force their son to marry some old rich woman too. Fair is fair and no one could be fairer than God. Am I right?

The more I thought about a sexless God, the more sense it made. I mean, if you’re the eternal, everlasting, all powerful God then you’re not going anywhere. You don’t need to father any kids to take over the business when you’re gone because, hey, you’re never going. Certainly God is pure and free of the human sin of lust and not subject to animal urges so if God had a penis, who would He use it on and why?

When you think about it that way, for God a penis would be totally unnecessary, like a steam engine built into a hydrogen bomb. The damn thing would just get in the way when he took a shower, if God took showers, which, now that I think about it, He — errr, It, wouldn’t because, being God, no dirt could ever stick to Him and he’d never get sweaty. If he wanted anything sweat-producing done he’s just send a bunch of angels or maybe flick one little finger and, boom, finished.

Which brings up another question: If God is neither male nor female then what is It? Maybe a being of pure energy without a physical body at all? Like one of those glowing gas clouds the size of a planet that Captain Kirk used to run into from time to time. Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

But wait — wouldn’t that mean that there might be more than one? Several in fact? Maybe hundreds if the voyages of the Star Ship Enterprise are any guide.

Hold on! I’ve got it. Dark energy. Maybe God is a vast mind consisting of all of the dark energy in the universe. He’s The Force. That would be so cool.

Damn straight that kind of a God wouldn’t have penis. No way.

So why did all those saints and prophets tell us that it was God’s will that women be subservient to men? Could that have something to do with the fact that every single one of those saints and prophets was a man? Maybe they were just looking out for their bros which I would totally understand.

Wow, this is heavy stuff.

“Lyla, I’ve been thinking about — ”

“I need to stop at Macy’s.”


“I told you that my nephew’s wedding’s in three weeks and I need to buy a new dress. Do you ever listen to me?”

“Sometimes I do, Lyla” I said. “Sometimes I do.” — David Grace

P.S. Lyla told me I was going to burn in hell for writing this. And she told me to tell you not to blame her, that she is only an innocent bystander. So now you know.

Graduate of Stanford University & U.C. Berkeley Law School. Author of 17 novels and over 200 Medium columns on Economics, Politics, Law, Humor & Satire.

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